


The Daddy of All Lists

by bloo_balloon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Dorms, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Pranks, RA!Akaashi, RA!Iwaizumi, RA!Sawamura, RA!Shirabu, a Mess(TM), and they are, basically they are all living in the same dorm, mentions of alcohol and smoking weed, the couples aren’t really the main point tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22984627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloo_balloon/pseuds/bloo_balloon
Summary: In which four tired RAs proceed to have a collective brain aneurysm over the boldness, stupidity, ingenuity, extreme thirst and party antics of their dormmates.Birthed from their pain and suffering is a list of simple, easy to follow dorm rules.Ladies and gentlemen, The List™. The Daddy of All Lists™.
Relationships: Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Semi Eita/Tendou Satori, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 24
Kudos: 87





	1. In Which the RAs Are Tired and In Need of a Vacation

**Author's Note:**

> So what would it be like to have all these Haikyuu characters crammed into one single accomodation building?
> 
> Chaos. Pure chaos.
> 
> Also the use and lack of honorifics changes depending on who is "writing" the rule.

**Things the residents of Dorm Three are NOT ALLOWED to do:**

  * Attempt to scale the building Spider-Man style and enter through an open window when they get locked out. As an alternative, they can refer to the on-call RA. They will find that it is faster, safer and it will not entail selling their kidneys on the black market to pay off the medical bills that are sure to follow.
  * Smuggle kegs into the dorm under the guise of Amazon deliveries. We have to commend you for trying, Bokuto, Kuroo. The box and fake delivery information may have fooled Sawamura when he saw you carrying it up the stairs, but that kind of thing could never get past Akaashi. Remember: Akaashi is everywhere. _And he is watching you._
  * Coming off of the last bulletpoint: do keg stands indoors. Ceiling height across all rooms is 2.6 meters only. Keep that in mind the next time you triple dog dare the tallest of the group to do one. We hope from the bottom of our hearts that there won’t be a next time. 
  * Use up all the hot water to enact your petty revenge fantasies. We get that Tendou-san can be a handful ~~sometimes~~ most times, but that does not give you the go ahead to drag the other residents into your personal affairs, Semi-san. Should the problems persist, we suggest you ask for a room change.



_Satori stays where he is. Screw you, Shirabu._

  * Cover your RA’s room in post it notes to enact your petty revenge fantasies. Iwaizumi spent half a day removing the ones stuck to the furniture, walls and floor… and the other half removing the ones stuck to every article of clothing he owns. His serves during last week’s scheduled practice matches were particularly brutal, so maybe something good still came out of it. 



_Whose side are you on, Sawamura?!_

  * The rule above also applies to posters (obscene or otherwise), balloons, flypaper, legos or any other pointy object that can cause bodily harm.
  * Leave ominous messages for any of the other residents on the bulletin board from the common room. I thought you could do better than _Lock your door extra tight tonight, Shittykawa. :)._ The emoji thrown at the end somehow makes it even more disturbing. As your friend and fellow RA, I am beyond disappointed, Iwaizumi.
  * Smoke weed in your rooms. We get it, it’s legal, but it is still strictly prohibited inside the dorms. And if we hear Hinata screech _420yoloblazeit_ at 3 a.m. one more time, we are going to have a problem. Yes, Tanaka, Yamamoto, Nishinoya, we are 1000% sure you were involved.
  * Bake pot brownies in the communal kitchen. See above. Also, we do not need the fire department paying us another visit. Whenever you get a craving, just think about why Goshiki is banned from using the oven. That should be enough to make you reconsider. 
  * Purposefully get Kindaichi and Asahi drunk at parties just because they are entertaining to watch while they duke it out in Just Dance 2020.
  * Have loud kinky sex every night for a whole week straight. Nobody is saying ‘don’t have sex ever’, but keep in mind that the walls are basically made out of wet tissue paper and not all of us own earplugs. Some might want to study, some might want to sleep and most (if not all) would rather not be subject to squeaky bed noises and porn star worthy moans. The HanaMatsu Honeymoon Period™ should remain an isolated event. Thank you.
  * Sexile your roommate to have loud kinky sex every night for a whole week straight. We believe this is self explanatory. 
  * Take food off of someone else’s plate without their explicit permission to do so. We get it, we’re all broke college students with a fuckton of student loan debt, but if Kageyama and Hinata start another food fight we are going. To have. A _problem._



_You’re just mad you got caught in the crossfire the last time it happened, Shira-chan~~_

_Uh-oh, Kenjirou used a baaaad woooord._

_Wait, I need to add one too._

  * Attempt to drink Reon or Lev under the table. While Reon is the uncontested champion of Dorm Three, Lev should not be taken lightly either. They _will_ win and you _will_ suffer in the morning.



_It almost sounds like you’re talking from personal experience, Kuroo._

_He is. I can attest to that._

_Nobody was supposed to know, Kenma!!!!_

_I knew that way before Kozume-kun spilled the beans._

_You don't count ‘cause you’re a crafty bastard who’s got eyes and ears everywhere._

_I also knew, Kuroo-san._

_You’re just as bad as Sugawara, Akaashi._

  * Let your alarm ring for more than twenty seconds before turning it off. If you have an early lecture or some other business that requires you to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, that does not mean everybody on your floor also has to. You might think Kyoutani is scary when he’s running on less than four hours of sleep and hasn’t had his first coffee of the day, but that just means you have not yet witnessed sleep deprived Yahaba. You do **NOT** want to witness sleep deprived Yahaba. 
  * Play extreme hide and seek. Remember how we almost _lost_ Kunimi? Inside our own dorm no less?
  * Stockpile cans of energy drinks in your room during finals period. We all know how the infamous Energy Stash Incident ended and we do not need a repeat of it. 
  * Use the ‘I licked it so it’s mine’ method for obtaining things… or people. That last bit is for Tendou-san only, and we strongly encourage you not to take after him in that regard. That is not how you get your crush to like you. 
  * Smuggle in any kind of furry companion (quadrupedal or otherwise). As much as it pains me to say it, this is a no pets allowed dorm. On the bright side, we are sincerely happy that the injured kitty Ushijima found near the third gym is now fully healed and in good hands with her new owner, Hinata Natsu.



_This is the only wholesome thing on this shitty list._

_I would be inclined to agree. Give my thanks to your sister once again, Hinata._

_Big softy Ushiwaka confirmed??_

  * Make fun of Yaku for being, ahem, _slightly vertically challenged_. Only Lev did that and lived to tell the tale. We hope that the ten seconds of amusement were worth the severe psychological trauma.



_Does that mean I’m special, Yaku-san? <3 _

_Know your place, bean pole._

  * Coming off of the previous rule: make fun of anybody’s height. We do not want the liberos in the dorm (plus Hinata) to declare all out war on the rest of us peasants. With Yaku as Supreme Demon Overlord and Nishinoya as his trusty second in command we would not stand a chance. 
  * Play catch inside the dorm. Any subsequent damage to furniture/lamps/humans will be paid for with your own pocket money.



_I FEEL VERY ATTACKED RIGHT NOW, BUT I’M ALSO VERY SORRY AKAASHI._

  * Play connect the dots on Yamaguchi’s face. Him getting blackout drunk and falling asleep on the common room couch is not an excuse. Remember: Yamaguchi is too kind and polite to do anything about it, but Tsukishima is not. 
  * And last but not least, the residents of Dorm Three are **NOT ALLOWED** to **EVER** mention what happens on game night to anyone that does not live in Dorm Three. 



We hope that you, at the very least, take these into consideration and think twice before doing something you might regret. 

Except for the last rule. The last rule is absolute. 

_Yeah, about that…_

_DUMBASS HINATA, WHO DID YOU TELL?_


	2. In Which Kageyama Is Having a Really Bad Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate times call for more rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of today this is a multi chaptered fic. I had so much fun writing TDoaL that I decided to continue it. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_To the cunt who’s been blasting Fall Out Boy at 1 a.m. for the past couple of nights, I will find you and I will murder you in your sleep._

**Things the residents of Dorm Three are** **NOT ALLOWED** **to do:**

  * Act out on their homicidal tendencies. This is a respectable establishment, not the Overlook Hotel. Also, let it be known that this applies to EVERYBODY, not only Kageyama.



_Damn it._

_Turn that frown upside down, Semisemi~~_

_Wait. Isn’t Nobuyuki a hardcore FOB stan?_

_Do you_ really _think Kai would do this, Kuroo?_

_…_

_Thought so._

  * ~~Listen to shitty emo music.~~
  * Insult another resident’s music taste. Again, Iwaizumi, I thought you were better than this. 
  * Cross out rules issued by any of the RAs.



_Sucks for you, I already did._

  * Have ‘pyjama parties’. We all know what that’s code for. You aren’t being subtle.
  * Microwave things that should **NOT** be microwaved. 
  * Drink milk or juice straight out of the carton. That’s just plain gross. Don’t do that. 
  * Eat the last of the Choco Bits without replacing them with a new box. It’s the least you could do to prevent the RAs from being assaulted by a flurry of written complaints about it. Apparently Sugawara-san is really picky when it comes to breakfast cereal. 



_That’s what it means to solve your problems diplomatically._

_I wouldn’t call annoying the RAs until they solve your problems_ diplomatic _, Suga._

_But it worked, didn’t it?_

  * Play twister while drunk or stoned. Considering that some of us still play volleyball competitively, we’d rather not have anybody injured just because you wanted to prove your left foot could in fact reach that one blue circle. 
  * Play Monopoly. We did not think Dorm Three would be chock full of salty bitches, cheaters, or scheming little shitheads. Apparently the saying ‘You don’t really know a person until you play Monopoly with them’ really holds true in this case.
  * The rule above also applies to Uno. 
  * Play poker with Hanamaki. We don’t know how yet, but we are almost certain that he is cheating. If you somehow still get roped into it, or are stupid enough to take it as a challenge, the things you run the risk of losing include, but are not limited to: your lunch money, your clothes, and your dignity. 



_Losing your dignity implies you still had some of it left, though._

_Wise words, Kawanishi. Wise words._

  * Tease Kenma about wearing Kuroo’s shirts. While this is not categorized as illegal or rude per se, just know that if you do so, not only will you not get the desired reaction, but you’ll also inflate Kuroo’s ego even more than it already is. We do not want that happening. 
  * Say, yell, or otherwise verbally declare ‘I bet you can’t do [blank]’. Hinata and Goshiki are especially guilty of this. Remember when they competed to see who could slide further down the stair railing before losing their balance? Because we do, and we’d rather not have a repeat performance of that. 
  * Take ‘I bet you can’t do [blank]’ as a challenge. **DO NOT TAKE IT AS A CHALLENGE.**
  * Sabotage anyone’s laundry. To the person who put that red sock in with Kageyama’s white workout shirts, _we will find you._



_I’m betting my left foot that it was Oikawa-san._

_Watacchi!!! Have some faith in me, won’t you?_

_It pains me to say it, but it wasn’t Shittykawa this time. He was out with me the whole day._

_My money’s on Turnip Head. Doesn’t he have some kind of bad blood with Kageyama?_

  * Start a betting pool regarding the culprit of the laundry incident. Or the Fall Out Boy incident. 



_Is that what we’re calling it now? The Fall Out Boy incident?_

_Damn, Kageyama’s having a rough week…_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you are having a lovely day wherever you are.
> 
> Leaving feedback is encouraged and highly appreciated!


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